| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 12:36 AM |
Lizzi,
You are awesome!!! Thank you. Seeing it in black and white really, really helps. How are you doing? If there's anything I could possibly help you with, I would in a second. I am going to patiently wait for the phone to ring or the doorbell to chime. In the meantime, I'm getting busy living!! We're thinking of moving to a different town. I've been in the same town for 14 years now. I'm so ready for a change. I don't have to worry about school districts or any of that since she won't be moving with us. Yes, it will be a shocker, however, her 2 half-brothers, will be moving with us. Yes, I know. They're 18 and 20 going on 12!!! They pay rent. They have their own cars. They come and go at their leisure. I only ask that they pick up after themselves, do their own laundry and lock up when they leave. So far, so good. Anyway, I'm thinking a small town atmosphere in the country will do me wonders. I really want to get some flower beds going for next spring and summer. Really hard in a rent house because I know it's not mine...Anyway, take care, Lizzi. BTW, where are u from? Anywhere close to Texas? ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 1:36 PM |
| Lizzi...Hello I have been reading your conversations with Pj754 and Texas Mom. I am overwhelmed with the wealth of insight you have ..just reading your responses to others helps me too. I wanted to fill you in on this weeks counseling session with my daughter and I. Kind of frustrating in a way because the ball is in her court as far as any visits go. We have been out together and texted, I have been sending cards and as far as her knowing that I am thinking about her there are no doubts that she knows she is in my thoughts...the frustrating part that I spoke to her and the counselor about is the fact that I am not apart of any decision making in her life...the counselor said that is common with kids that are in one parents care ...primary care and that the big decisions should be discussed between her dad and I...however that will probably never happen since her dad does not want to communicate with me. My daughter, I am afraid will have to come to the decision on her own that she wants to make me apart of her life because her dad won't do any encouraging that way...he will do everything in his mind gamish way to keep her walls up against " me and my situation..." Her response to the counselor about our time together a couple weekends ago was that she had fun and had a good time. She felt somewhat uncomfortable with my husband but overall good. So that was promising ... I feel that she wouldn't be having such a difficult time if she wasn't getting negative vibes from her dad and his new wife about there "deadbeat" ex's...They discuss this openly from what my daughter mentions at times ...I don't pump her for information cause that is not good but some comments she has made points to the condensending attitudes of her dad and new wife... I am up against a wall. The counselor said to me and my daughter as long as she is making attempts to come on her own for now that is good ...I want some consistency...I said that but I have to be paitent for now according to the counselor. When will it come to the fact that because she is my daughter she has responsibilty to me as her mom and I to her... I don't feel she cares I think she knows she is calling the shots and she is in control...she uses the situation to her advantage and when she needs me in a mom and daughter way she gets a "MOM FIX"...and then things go back to the way they were...not much communication etc.... what can I do my hands are tied behind my back...Well, so much for rambling still hoping for relationship to be a mom not a Fix. But if this is all I get I guess it is better than nothing...right...because her dad won't communicate with me at all...so how can anything there change. Lizzi, I hope you are hanging in there. Your feelings of fear, come from something big in your past...you are not alone, you are not crazy. I have been through a process that is called Theophostic Prayer Ministry...means Theos (God) Phos (Light) means God illuminating a previously darkened area of one's mind and thoughts with His truth. Theophostic focuses on the origin of our pain, not on the emotional symptoms or consequental behaviors of our lie-based pain. Some where along our life journey we have encountered hurts, pain...and because of that we believe a lie about ourselves...example someone has always told you you were never going to amount to anything, or no one would want you...You feel hurt devestated by those things they say but worst of all you start to believe it and act out the LIE they told you ... YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH...In Theophostic You allow God to show you the TRUTH for that lie you believed and then freedom comes from the TRUTH God shows you yes you are good enough . It is when we begin to believe the lies that others created or formed in us that we struggle or sometimes we can't face normal situations because we are so focused on that LIE we can't get past our fear and the circle never has an end ... but the TRUTH is we CAN we have to break that circle by allowing God to show us the TRUTH. It is so good to know the truth is I am okay and I am good enough. I have purpose in this life. Just thought I would share it with you. I have been where you are with some of your same battles and if you are interested in more info let me know. mini mouse. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 1:55 PM |
| Hi Texas_Mom! I'm so glad you found my advice helpful,it makes me feel useful for something! Have you ever thought about buying a home instead of renting? I ask because around here,(Illinois),it really is cheaper to buy than rent. Why make a landlord rich by paying way too much for something that will never be yours when after so many years of that you could have paid for your own home making lower payments even? You should really check into it. When your home is your own you take more pride in it and you can do whatever you want to it from changing decore on a whim to major landscaping. Also,if your worried about a large downpayment,you could always check into an FHA loan where I think there's either little or no money comming out of pocket because they tie the downpayment in with the cost of the house and then you just make the regular payments each month. With an FHA loan they also include taxes and insurance with your payment so your once a month payment includes the down payment,house payment,taxes,and insurance all in one,making it easy. This way you don't have to worry about comming up with tax money in one lump sum each year because it's already been included in your monthly payment. It's worth a try,I just hate seeing people throw money away on rent. Also if you get your house insurance through your car insurance they should give you a discount for having insurance on more than one thing with them. (State Farm does anyway).Check into it,you might be surprised! :) ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 2:15 PM |
Hi Lizzi,
Yes, I would love to buy instead of rent, however, my credit is in the toilet. We are considering a lease/purchase option. I'm sure any mortgage company would laugh at my credit. It really went downhill after the split from the ex. I'm still going to see if I can qualify for something. I think they've created programs for people with poor credit. Thanks for the advice. Has winter hit there yet? I was raised in Michigan and know exactly how the winters can be. We're still experiencing 77 degree weather. They say tomorrow a cold front is moving in. I sure hope so. I'm tired of the hot weather and I can finally shut off the air conditioner. Take care and have a great day!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 2:39 PM |
| mini mouse,HI!!! I think you are right in that you may just have to settle for what your daughter will give you right now even though you may feel like your being used at her convenience. Like you said,it is better than nothing,it's a start. As she matures,maybe she will grow out of that and want to develope a more loving,meaningful relationship with you,but for now,just take what you can get and be patient! Forget about her father being of any help to you because he is never going to be. It's sad too because your daughter would benefit better if the two of you (you and your ex) could at least communicate with one another appropriately for her sake. But when all your ex wants to do is add fuel to the fire and salt to the wound then what can you do? Someday your daughter will be older and out from under his influence and I think that's when you may find more of the kind of relationship you are looking for from her,be patient and enjoy the times she does share with you as they are priceless! Thank-you for showing concern for me. I have struggled with anxiety since I was a child. I would cry and sometimes throw up before school and could never hold down a job. I would get really nervous,panicky,and extremely homesick so much so that I would litterally run out on the job. (Luckily I was never the only one working or in charge of a cash register!) So that made it easier to leave. My dad always ran me down and some days I think I'm exactly what he said I'd be,a nobody,a follower,no common sense,ignorant,lazy,dummy,always dependent on others for my survival. Anything I did in school or anything for that matter,my dad would always say how it could have been better or I should have done it that way. Nothing was ever good enough. My dads a very moody person who gets angry easily and I've always feared being in his line of fire. Not so much for being hit ,although I was on occassion,but the emotional abuse killed me and broke me down to nothing and I think that's why I'm afraid all the time. I'm afraid of going to work so I don't, I'm afraid to drive,but I have to do that any way and it never gets easier,the same fear is always there. My anxiety rises when I have to go into a public place. I also fear the outdoors and so i am home inside 90% of the time.I'm so glad I found this forum and caring people to talk to. It also makes me feel somewhat worthy that i can offer my advice to others here. People have told me I don't give myself enough credit and that I am smarter than I believe I am. I just wish I COULD believe that myself but I'm having a really hard time with it. I fear my dad more than anyone but I love him sooo much too,weird huh? He is my mechanic and I panic whenever I have a car problem because I never know how he's going to react. He may be o.k about it and really helpful,or he may yell at me and say it's my fault and tell me it's not his problem to fix,but then later on his mood will change and he will be helpful with the problem. I just hate that he has that power and control over me and can still make me feel like a scared little girl. I wish I could go to a car dealer and get a brand new car so I wouldn't have car problems but I can't afford payments.So I rely on my dad because a garage charges way too much for repairs that I couldn't afford to pay. My dad charges me to work on my car but he is reasonable and I know the repair will be done right so that's why I keep calling on his help. I think he enjoys me being reliant on him even though sometimes I get yelled at and he acts like he doesn't want to help me. He works on my car when he's good and ready to,sometimes to purposely make me sweat and worry I think. Thanks for listening mini mouse! :) ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 2:55 PM |
LIZZI...Thanks for info about daughter I know patience is the answer here and when she gets out on her own hopefully things will be different. It is just all this wasted time.
I am feeling for you Lizzi....you are bright,intelligent, loving, and caring and I appreciate all your wisdom here. Thanks mini-mouse ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 2:56 PM |
| Hey Texas_Mom,I know what you mean about bad credit. I went from having A-1 credit to bankruptcy. I had too many credit cards and was in over my head. Now i just have one credit card for Sears. Luckily I bought my house while my credit was still in good standing. We bought a small fixer upper at a really low price,$26,000 and our payments including down payment,taxes,insurance and house payment are just $275 a month! It's a 30 year FHA loan,we have 25 years to go! lol! But I'm greatful for the cheap payments,and my house is small and far from perfect,but it's mine so i'm happy! It beats having to pay $500 or more for rent somewhere! I think I'll drive old used cars until my house is paid off and then I'll go get a new car! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 2:57 PM |
| Thanks mini mouse,you are a sweet person! :) ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 6:43 PM |
Lizzi,
I used to fear my father, too. He called all 6 of us kids assholes, dummies, you'll never amount to anything....sound familiar? It has taken me 43 years to finally be free of his control. I do not fear him, nor do I have that close, loving relationship with him that I always craved. Growing up, I saw all my friends interact with their dads and it was way different from how my dad interacted with me and vice versa. I was always TERRIFIED of my dad. He is a miserable person, period. Nothing you do or don't do is ever good enough. If I try to critique him in any way, he blows up. He used emotional and physical abuse on all us kids. His excuse: he was raised that way and it didn't hurt him. Hah!! That's just what it is, an excuse.
Why don't you learn about fixing cars yourself? There are Chilton manuals and also actual repair manuals that you can find on the internet. Bypass him altogether. Don't give him a reason to make it look like your fault. What would you do if your father invited your kids and your EX home for the holidays? Would you be ok with that? Would you stand up for yourself and tell him just how it makes you feel? See, my dad didn't know how strongly I felt about that same subject until I told him if he invited the ex, I would never sit at the same table with him again. I CAN choose my battles. I DO NOT have to subject myself to what control he thinks he has. If you don't give him that opportunity, he doesn't have the chance. You are the most wise, sweet, caring, nurturing, understanding individual I have met in a long time. Granted, we've never met face to face, however, your words are wise. You are a kind gentle woman and should pat yourself on the back every day. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself what a wonderful person you are and you WILL have a wonderful day no matter what crosses your path. POSITIVE SELF TALK is the key. Keep telling yourself you are beautiful, creative, understanding, a wonderful mother, a wonderful wife, a fantastic cook, and everything and all those wonderful things that you truly are. Stop letting other people control you, take the bull by the horns and hold up your hand and tell them Stop!!!! Tell them: You are hurting my feelings. You are making me feel inferior. Do not allow them to control you or anything about you. Please check out Patricia Evans. She has wonderful books on Verbal Abuse. They have helped me tremendously. I've learned that someone can only be in control of us, ONLY IF WE LET THEM. Stop letting them. Wow, sorry to vent, but I can't stand the father-daughter emotional/verbal/physical abuse. It drives me crazy. I still struggle with it, however, every day that passes, it becomes easier and easier not to be someone's punching bag or door mat. You go girl!!!! You're a fantastic person and don't let anyone tell you any different. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 7:50 PM |
| Texas_Mom,Thank-you for the praise,it feels good to hear that someone genuinely thinks of me that way,I never hear those kinds of words toward me from anyone I know so THANK-YOU!!!I just wish I could believe in myself alot more than what I do. I'm so used to being afraid of everything and for so long that I don't know how to feel any other way. I need LOTS of work and help on that.I've never heard of Patricia Evans but I will definitely see if our library has anything and check it out,it may help me. I do do ALOT of self talk,it's how I manage to get through each day! Thanks again for your kindness,time,caring and concern,it really means alot! ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 3:48 PM |
Lizzi,
Here are the titles and authors of a couple books you may find helpful. "Your Perfect Right, a guide to assertive living" by Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D. and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. Published by Impact Publishers. 5th Revised Edition. This book addresses assertiveness (ie: standing up for yourself). It is NOT a book on how to manipulate or intimidate others, it is a book on how to clarify your personal goals in relationships, how to retain a sense of control over your own life without trying to control others in the process. I took lots of notes and highlighted a bunch of phrases, etc. so I could refer back to it at any time.
The other book is: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship, how to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. Published by Adams Media Corporation. Expanded 2nd Edition. This is a fantastic book. I discovered that the "crazy making" was the ex's form of abuse. Totally enlightening book.
I purchased both books. Please let me know if your local library can get them for you. If not, I would love to give you an Amazon.com online gift certificate so you can purchase them. I'm not sure what type of income you have or any of the details, however, I believe in random acts of kindness and believe YOU deserve a gift to yourself for being here for all of us. Make no mistake, I'm not rich or wealthy. I don't want everyone out there thinking that I'm giving away gift certificates or something. Please don't think I want anything in return. You have already provided that to me. Thank you for being here for me. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 4:48 PM |
| To Texas_Mom--I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful weekend. It's good to keep yourself busy with other people in your life, it helps to not thing about the hurt your experiencing with your daughter. Your daughter sounds a lot like my son. Lately, I realized my son has been playing me for a fool. He's just not the young boy I tried to raise. He is trying to upset me by not following the simple rules in my home. I'll always love him but I'm not always going to be there to pick the peices up for him. Unfortunately, my son is going to have to learn his lessons the hard way. He chooses not to listen to me and thinks both my husband and I are idiots. My son stated in an affidavit that my father-in-law called him a sneak. Well, yesterday, my son told his sister he's been sneaking soda pop out of the house in the morning to drink on the school bus. I haven't said anything to him about the pop but he gets angry cause someone calls him like he sees him? I'm sorry but I feel as his mother, I deserve more respect than what he is giving. As each day goes by, he's becoming the son I never knew. I only fought the custody issue in court for him to come back home because I wanted to give him one more chance to change his ways. To listen with an open mind and make decisions on his own that are responsible and mature. It hasn't been a month and I see no difference in him. I'm tired of hurting and being used. I've shifted all my energy on the other three children in the home. Of course, I'll be civil and kind but I'm not bending over backwards for the things he wants. He doing a good job in hardening my heart. As much as I didn't want this to happen, it just does. I agree with Lizzi, it's tough love. Now granted, a lot of this is coming from his father but when will they learn how to stand up for what they believe in? Perhaps never. I'm waiting until May when my ex fights for custody of him again. This time, I'm going to let him go. I won't bat an eyelash at doing it. So, Texas_Mom, I wouldn't be so quick to letting her come back home. If you know in your heart, she will cause trouble for you and everyone else, more than likely she will do it again. If she thinks her dad is wonderful, then let her think so. Sure you can love her and communicate with her but she owes you an apology for misbehaving the way she does. You are her mother and for her to have your respect she has to give it to you in return. As much as you want to give in, you just can't. We're not helping them if we do? You know my son is angry with me because I'm naking him life with me. Well, I explained to him that the law said he has to stay with me and if every 13 year old piped up and said what they wanted to do and was granted what they wanted, we would 13 year olds running the country. Then, I said if you come to me and want to do drugs, what am I suppose to say it's ok go ahead and do it because you want too? I'll just stand back and let him do what ever he wants to? I told him if I didn't love him like I do, then I would say, yeah, sure go ahead and do drugs, they won't hurt you that bad. No, I'm going to tell him how harmful they are and that as his parent, I said no!!! But, I already know he's a sneak so this makes me wonder, if he gets into high school is he going to sneak doing drugs. He thought it was no big deal to sneak pop, so why wouldn't he do it with drugs??? He has broken a trust that he no longer has with me and it sounds like your daughter has done the same with you. We have no choice but to stand our ground and not give in to them. We wouldn't be the loving caring parents we are if we didn't. We wouldn't give a crap and then they would be in more trouble than they can handle. Except in my case, I forsee ny son getting into more trouble than he can handle. That's when it will all rest upon his father's shoulders because I won't lift a finger to help. I know that sounds cruel but his father wouldn't cooperate with me on the little issues we have now. So, I'm not going to cooperate later on. I certainly hope my son doesn't get into the kind of trouble you just can't get out of but he has to learn his lessons somewhere and obviously, he doesn't think I'm the right one to teach him. I hope my advice has helped you. Honestly, I do regret winning the custody battle over him but I still have a small window of opportunity to reach him which I doubt will do any good. So hang in there, be patient, live a happy life without any tension. Let things roll off your shoulders. That's all you can do for now. Keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 6:10 PM |
| To Lizzi--Wow, your dad really worked you over, didn't he??? You know, you will always have love for him because he is your father, you have respect for him but you just don't agree with what he says or does. It's too bad he can't treat you like a decent human being. See, I'm not the only one, who thinks you are a wonderful person. You can offer alot to people but your father has ruined you to feel any positive goodness in your life. Unfortunately, that's just the way he is and you will never be able to change him. However, it sounds like you have tried so hard to please him but he would never give you one ounce of praise. All you wanted to be was his daughter, one he could love and be proud of. I'm sorry Lizzi, it's not your fault. It's his. He just doesn't seem or perhaps was never taught how to love. Maybe the only way he knows how to show you his love is to be hard and stern with you thinking it would make you a stronger person. But, it's the complete opposite. In a way, he is showing you some love by fixing your car for you. Then, he voices to you about not taking care of your care, yet, if he didn't care about you at all, he wouldn't lift a finger to fix it. He would tell you to spend the money at another garage or buy anoither car. So, in a way, this is his way of loving you. I'm sorry he's like this with you. You wonder how or why a person acts this way? You just have to accept him for who he is but understand, you are nothing like that. You have compassion and understand with love that he never gave you. So, you are somewhat breaking the cycle he has displayed on you because you don't show it to others. This is your strong will standing up for yourself. Are you afraid that the outside world looks at you like your father does? Lizzi, not everyone is like him. Oh sure, you get your crackers out there but for the most part, there are some genuine people. Look at this forum, there are quite a few of us, who really think your wonderful. As much as you may think you make mistakes, from the sounds of your comments, you think things through. You are a strong person to be able to do this. Your morals and ethics are right on track. I couldn't begin to try and help you not feeling the way you do. If I could take your pain away, I would in a heartbeat. Just know, we are hear to listen and respond to you as a human being that matters. So, I hope your days get better as you go along and if they don't, well, the next day is a new day. You take care and keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 6:27 PM |
PJ754,
You are absolutely right. How will these kids ever know the consequences of their choices if we never allow them to make any choices, whether they be good or bad? I talked to the school counselor yesterday. She stated that the estranged communication relationship with the ex is causing major problems with the kids. She suggested coming in the back door because I'm not welcome at the front door. What she meant by that is calling dad and asking how the kids are doing, etc. Keep it short and to the point. At our parent-teacher conference a couple days ago, dad skated around the issue of counseling for our daughter and finally said she didn't want to go. One of the teachers told him point blank MAKE her go. She's a 14yr old manipulating teenager. She doesn't call the shots. Well, he got all wound up with that comment. I am going to get on with living. My favorite movie line is "get busy living or get busy dying" (Shawshank Redemption). That is exactly what I'm going to do. Yesterday, talking to my daughter and my son on the phone they both told me to stop lecturing them and that is why they don't like talking to me. Well, maybe they just can't handle the truth about the entire situation. I've decided that I'm taking the high road. I'm not going to let a bunch of kids run my life. It's almost as if I have to constantly defend myself to a couple of ungrateful kids. About the sneaking around stuff. Catch him and confront him. Set a trap. As adults, we have the advantage when it comes to setting traps and catching sneaks and liars because our age is a valuable asset. Kids think we are so stupid. Why should we trust them when their past behavior suggests otherwise? My mother once told me that she had built up a brick wall around her because of my stupid and reckless teenage choices. That comment has stayed with me my entire life. Mothers and fathers have to have a self-preservation mode for making it through the teenage years. We must protect ourselves against teenage behavior. I, for one, know tough love first hand. My oldest went to TYC (Texas Youth Commission) for committing 25 felonies when he was 14-16 years old. He was doing wonderful in school. Never skipped. He was also climbing out the window every night and jacking cars, stereos, dirt bikes, lawnmowers, toolboxes, and whatever else he could steal. To this day, I know in my heart, I did the right thing when I told the judge, even though I was sobbing my eyes out, that the best place for him was the state institution for juvenile delinquents. Well, he served his time at a boot camp, graduated from high school, also got his GED, and now is a auto technician. Yes, he backslides, I know this. Do I trust him? No, absolutely not. I will forever be on guard when he comes home with an item that he can't produce a receipt for. I tell him if he can't produce the receipt, it doesn't come in my house. As far as the drugs go, if he's like 95% of teenagers, sooner or later he will experiment. Of course we don't condone that type of behavior, however, teenagers don't listen to their parents. I wouldn't put the cart before the horse. Sit back and see what happens with that one. My dad has a favorite saying about kids. You can tell them the train of life is coming down the tracks. You can see the light, feel the rumble, and hear it's whistle. Will they listen to you and get off the tracks? Most likely not. 9 times out of 10 we already know the outcome of their choices and we must let them suffer the consequences. You are doing the right thing in wanting to restore peace and happiness in your household. I am going to communicate with my daughter and son at their dad's, however, I am not going to beg them to come visit me. I also have the issue with my youngest son that he absolutely detests my boyfriend and will not come visit me unless I get "rid" of my boyfriend. Make no mistake, I am not choosing my boyfriend over my children, on the contrary, my children have found every reason to dislike my boyfriend because their dad hates his guts and has continually berated him, threatened his life, made ugly accusations, and done everything in his power to try and make our lives miserable. Well, guess what? It's not working. We are a united front in our household and we're very strong together. Do we get emotionally drained with the continued barrage of crap? Yes, we get weary, pick ourselves up, boost each other, and face every day with a renewed vow to be stronger than yesterday. I've rambled enough. Take care and have a wonderful day!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 7:42 PM |
| Texas_Mom,I am really touched that you would do such a nice thing for me! :) But I think I can probably find it at my library,I'm calling today to find out for sure though and I'll let you know what I find out. If they don't have it I still could not allow you to do that for me though because that is just too much! I mean you don't even know me (aside from on here) so I couldn't let you do that but I am very touched by your offer,that is very sweet,kind and generous of you! :) ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 8:00 PM |
Lizzi,
I hope your library can get them for you. Our library bookshares with a lot of other libraries around here and around the U.S. Please let me know, either way. And I insist you accept with graciousness. You, my dear, are a fellow reader, a knowledge seeker just as I am. Also, the prices on amazon for used books are usually very minimal. Check it out for yourself. I recently bought a used book for $2.70. Yes, $2.70. I'm paying more for shipping than for the dang book!!!! Go figure. Also, it's the least I can do for you. Until finding you on this sight, I was teetering on the edge of the deep end and your advice has really, really helped me with my personal struggles. I am not trying to gain personal information from you, if that's what you're thinking. I only wish to confirm what you already know, random acts of kindness, even from strangers, can have profound positive effects for those of us that suffer from low self esteem. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 8:04 PM |
| pj754,you make alot of sense. I guess I have to look at it like my dad DOES love me but in his own odd way. If he didn't care at all he wouldn't touch my car right? He would let me go without wheels or let me figure it out on my own without any help from him. My dad is a very complicated type of man though. Even my mom would agree 1,000%. I get my loving and compassionate feelings from her,she and I are ALOT alike. I find it hard to understand how someone like her and someone like my dad managed to get together but they did. My dad treats friends and strangers better than his own kids and wife. My dad would sell me a car for $800 but the same car he would sell to a stranger or friend for $300 and no I'm not kidding or exaggerating. For x-mas one year I bought my dad a wench for his car hauler and later found out that he hated it and thought it was cheap and generic and would never use it. This was after he had thanked me for it and made me feel proud to have helped him this way by getting him something he could really use. Now I had put this wench on my credit card and could have sent it back if it wasn't the kind he needed but to this day he still has it and doesn't use it,and I had to pay for it. It broke my heart to find out his true feelings about it. From that point on I stopped buying gifts. Now the only thing I do is bake things to give.My dad always comes off with a stern and scolding tone and when he comes around,the most words I can manage to say to him are a meek hi dad! Because I'm scared of what mood he might be in and fear he is going to be angry with me about something. I will always feel this way where my dads concerned. A scared little girl,I can't help it. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 2:11 PM |
| Oh God you guys,I was so frantic this morning! My car broke down and guess who I had to call for help?! My dad! I was so scared! I sat in my car for a few minutes and then was like ,well,I know what I have to do!So I walked to the nearest business and asked to use the phone. I called my dad and he answered and I said ,"Dad?,Dad hi,I'm stranded!" As I was speaking I wanted to cry but I didn't! He asked what happened and I said ,"I don't know it just died!" He was really cool about it and said he would be out to get me. I went back to my car and started to get real nervous. He showed up a few minutes later and tried to do a couple of things to get it running but no luck so I had to get in the truck with him and he brought me home. His mood was fine but I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable,I'm still shaking now. He took me back to his house and put me in another car he has so I can pick up my husband today when it's time if my dad isn't done with my car by then.He has to go back out and pick my car up and bring it home to work on it .He thinks the problem is simple so I'm praying it is! I wonder if my dad senses how nervous and uneasy I feel when I'm around him? I feel bad for talking about him and then asking for his help,I feel like a bad person for doing that. I needed his help so I had to call him and luckily for me he was descent about it ,it could have just as easily went another way but it didn't and I'm so glad for that. I just wish my dad was "normal" and I could feel comfortable with him like I do my mom but I don't.I hope all goes well today,wish me luck! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 2:28 PM |
| Texas_Mom,you are an angel! I am also greatful to have found you here as well. I don't have any girlfriends outside my mom and aunt. I have my brothers girlfriend kinda but we aren't very close. In fact their relationship is over but they are buying a house together and neither of them wants to move out so the atmosphere isn't too pleasant over there.My husband and I used to hang out with them but bad things happened and now we don't see them much as a couple. My brother just visited me for the first time in months the other day and it was great seeing him. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him and hugged him!He's had struggles with drugs and alcohol which is why his relationship has fallen apart. He is once again clean and sober but his girlfriend has lost lots of love for him and frankly she doesn't really care much about him anymore,it's sad.On another note,if I have helped you like you say then I am very happy that I could. I love to feel needed and feel like my opinion counts for something. I will continue to give the best advice I can on whatever the subject and am so glad that I have found a friendship with you here! :) ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 6:37 PM |
| Crap! The timing belt broke on my car. My dad doesn't want to do the work himself so he's checking with some friends to see if any of them want to tackle it. He says it's a 2-4 hour job! Great! He gave me a loaner car but guess what? The turn signals don't work,wonderful!!!!!!!! One thing after another,as usual! God I hope my day gets better! I hope I don't get pulled over by the cops for not signaling!! Oh well,something else to make me nervous,I swear I'm being tested but when does it ever end? I hope my car gets fixed soon!!!! I am greatful that I have another car to use though don't get me wrong! Funnier thing is I had just filled up my gas tank minutes before it broke down,go figure!!!! The bright side is I broke down in a very good spot and had perfect time to coast my car safely off the main drag and into an empty parking lot! It could have been worse,I could have been stranded on the overpass with nowhere to go! Oh well,may better days lie ahead! Thanks for listening to me complain....AGAIN!!!!!! :) ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 7:09 PM |
| Hubbies hitching a ride home with a co-worker today so that gets me off the hook at least until tomorrow anyway! He works all week-end so I hope my dad gets someone to fix my car soon! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 7:49 PM |
| My dad really surprised me today. He came over to put a ouart of oil in the car he is letting me borrow and asked me if I had a second bottle because it needed 2. I came out with the second one and he started talking about my car and said ,"yeah,your cars fixable,the guy at the auto store said it's typical for the timing belt to go out on a these types of cars when they have over 100,000 miles on them so it isn't your fault or anything,it's nothing you did wrong.) I was shocked! Then he calls me later and tells me he will help me with expenses for the car repair til we get our income tax money,he said a friend of his will do the work for $180. He said that's kind of alot but the guy is also real thorough and good and knows what he's doing. I hope it gets fixed soon! The guy can't work on it tonight because him and his girlfriend are fighting and she's moving out tonight so I'm trying to be really patient! My dad asked me what time my husband had to be at work tomorrow and I told him 7am. He said,"7?!" I said yep,7! So,I think he's worried about me driving that car with no signals or something. I was just impressed with the way he treated me today. I don't see that side of him very often! He was actually descent to me! But I was still nervous as hell everytime I had to talk to him today! ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 7:59 PM |
Lizzi,
So sorry to hear about your car problems. The turn signal thing can be solved easily, hold your arm out the window to go left, and bend your arm up to go right!!! They can't pull you over if you use hand signals. I know, I drove old cars all the time. Thank goodnes your dad had an extra car for you to drive. I wished you lived closer, I would send my son, the auto tech, over to help you out. He's always doing something, changing transmissions, the oil, replacing my front end on my car, doing brake jobs, etc. Have you ever thought of sitting down with your dad and REALLY talking to him about how you feel? Mind you, it seems a daunting task, however, take your time, prepare for the meeting. Write down all the topics you want to cover and remember, he has feelings, too. Maybe your nervousness and tension puts him on edge, that in turn, makes you even battier. I truly believe if you ever want to quiet the demons inside, you must confront them, embrace them and let them go.
I am so sorry you're having a bad day, however, it could be worse. If life never threw curve balls, how would we ever learn to catch? Hang in there, girl, and just hang your ole arm out the window and signal your turns like a lady should!!!! LOL!! You have a wonderful evening and weekend. Talk to you soon. Keep your chin up. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 15th, 2006 9:58 PM |
| Guess what?! I got my car back today!!!!!!!! :) :) :)!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooo excited!!!!!!! My dad was so cool through it all. He got one of his friends to do the work on it. Parts and labor were $310 which beats $6-800 that a garage would have charged. The best part? My dad paid for EVERYTHING and we pay him back when we get our income tax money in february!!!!!!!! How cool is that???? Oh,gosh I am sooo happy right now!!!!! :) :) :)!!!!!!!!! My dad and his friend brought the car back to me awhile ago and my dad just had such a pleasant feel about him. He was truly happy that my car was back in great running order! I'm on cloud 9 right now,I'm so exstatic,I could jump for joy!!!!!!!! I was so thrilled I wanted to give my dads friend a hug but I didn't think that would be appropriate so instead I just kept saying,"Thank-you so much!" :) :) :) :) :) :) ↑ |
| Name: Francine | Date: Oct 16th, 2006 7:06 PM |
| Read excalating psycho ex...may need to take the same advice ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 6:42 PM |
Lizzi---I'm glad that your dad helped you out with your car without giving you any grief over it. That's a nice feeling. I'll bet your wondering if he will be that receptive the next time you need him? I, too, went through the same thing with my step-dad. When ever I would come and visit him, I would never know what kind of mood he was in until I got there. Usually, he would start in on me about every little thing I did. It took me along time to finally stand up to him and voice my opinion as an adult. Boy, I was sweating bullets and shaking like a leaf. Yet, after it was over, I felt really good inside because I stood up for myself. However, I didn't speak to him for 3 years after it. Several times, him and his wife would invite me to come for a visit and everytime, I said no. I wasn't going to come because I was sick and tired of him running his mouth about things I couldn't change or help. Gees, I was a grown adult, married with children, you would think he would have treated me like an adult? One day, he was standing on my doorstep visiting me. Took me by complete surprise. Then, I tried to establish another relationship with him and his wife only to have them turn around and do the same thing to me again. Not to mention, he sided with my ex, who is now renting his house right next door to his. Except this time, I live less than 5 minutes away from them. It's been about a year and half since I've last spoken to them. I just got tired of him trying to tell me what to do and telling me that whatever I was doing was completely wrong. Forget about me ever being happy, I am always wrong. Well, personally, I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. Honestly, now, I can finally breath better. Before, I was nervous around him. It's like I was walking on egg shells. However, telling him off the second time around was alot easier than the first. I never meant any disrespect to him but the way he was treating me was disrespecting my feelings. It will probably take a miracle before I ever speak to him and his wife again. I feel that he's treating me this way because I'm a step-child. I'm sure things would be alot different if I was blood. Lizzi--you always expect the worst when you know you have to encounter your father? Just keep in mind, it's him and not you. He has mood swings and perhaps he doesn't truly realize he does it. Like I said before, it could just be his character. Perhaps, he's waiting for you to actually stand up to him. He could purposely be hard on you thinking that it would make you a stronger person. What he doesn't realize is that it turned completely around. So, if you can, the next time he starts shooting daggers at you about something, just tell him to knock it off. It sounds like all he likes to do is bark and I doubt he would ever hit you. Has he ever hit your mom? I thought you mentioned that the two of them are like night and day. Perhaps, she is what calms the beast inside of him. I'm sure he would be lost without her if something was to ever happen to her. Do you know much about his past? Did he serve for his country or did he have a rough childhood? All of this information could help to explain his character. He sounds alot like my step-dad. My step-dad would always be crabby twice a year due to planting and harvesting the crops. Those are the times of year, I would make sure I made myself scarce. I knew he would be in grouchy moods and I didn't want to subject myself to that behavior. However, I my case, it really didn't matter what time of the year. Plus if I did happen to visit during those crucial times, mostly he didn't have time to talk or I would have to sit and listen to him complain greatly about someone else. As I saw first hand at him doing that, I realized it didn't matter, who it was, he was always going to yell and complain about that person he comes into contact with.
However, I feel happy for you that it was a pleasant encounter for you. Hopefully, you poor car won't have anymore troubles. Although, the troubles do see to come in threes. Anyways, keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 7:37 PM |
| LIZZI ..... PJ754 Hi to all of you. I have been reading all your entries and have found them to be filled with life experiences of painful memories. I guess that without our memories we wouldn't be what we are today . In many ways our memories mold who we are . I think that is why it is so important to know how to handle them because they make us what we are to some extent good, bad, fearful, assertive, etc. I hope that we all can learn from the things that caused us fear,pain,happiness,joy, whatever it is ...learn from it and change what needs changed so that we don't make our past the measure of a normal, fulfilling life. To be trapped in our pain handicaps us from being all we were meant to be. Speaking from the experience of a past full of pain myself... I am learning how important it is to be truthful with myself and those I love. Anyway ladies...let me tell you some good news...my daughter called and wanted to talk and then spend the night...yes even on a school night. She is beginning to see things for herself ,,,her dad's influence is beginning to weaken...I am so thankful for this realization...and one that could only come by seeing it herself. So patience is paying off. She is realizing some things. Thanks ladies! I will keep you posted. mini mouse ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 1:28 PM |
| mini mouse,that's great! See? I told you didn't I? Time and patience is the key. Your daughter is getting older and wiser! She's beginning to see for herself what's going on,and that's good for YOU! I'm so glad for you both! :) ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 2:23 PM |
| Hi pj754! You asked about my dads life? Well I know his dad treated him like crap. He got beat on and if he wasn't home for supper he didn't get to eat. In fact the refrigerator got tied and locked shut at night. He had several brothers and a sister.I'm not sure if all were treated the same though,I'm unsure about that. When my brother and I were kids,my dad would tell us to visualize what we wanted out of the fridge and where it was BEFORE we opened the door so we could grab it quickly so we wouldn't let all the cold air out and make the fridge kick on. When we were really small he would put us together in a bath of pure cold water and bathe us. We were screamming and crying and our dad was laughing. We would drop our mom off at work in the mornings and when we got home my brother and I would run to our rooms because we knew what was comming. This happened every morning. My dad would drag us out from under our beds and strip us down and throw us in a cold water bath laughing all the way while we were freezing and crying. He would get angry over little things and we would get hit. If he was mad at mom he would throw her around and tear the hell out of the house breaking everything. He used to be a heavy drinker but quit a few years ago on his own. He is still moody though so I know it wasn't just because of the alcohol.One time in my teens I ran out of gas and called him for help. My gas gauge did not work and I had bought the car from him. Anyway,he brought a buddy with him to (help) me and the whole time he was yelling at me telling me how stupid I was for running out of gas. He made me feel so low and embarrassed in front of his friend. For a long time i quit calling my mom because if dad would answer he would angrily ask me "What do you want her for?" If I would say "nothing,I just want to talk to her,"he would say,"well she's busy!" and then he would hang up!So I would stop calling and wait for her to phone me. My dad has several times over the years told my mom she needs to divorce me and my brother.He hates her being on the phone with anyone,he can't stand it. He will glare at her until she hangs up which of course is quick. She usually tries to get any calls in while dad isn't at home but the moment she sees him pull in the drive she says,"I gotta go,dads home!"She is a grown woman for christ sake! When my brother and i were old enought o shower on our own,dad would tell us and demonstrate that we only needed a nickle size amount of shampoo and were given firm instructions to be quick,wet,lather,rinse,get out! Once my brother got the hell beat out of him because there was very little shampoo left in the bottom of the bottle and he had to add water to get it out so he could use the rest and when my dad found the empty bottle my brother got beat. When my brother was 15,my dad was angry with him about something and beat him all over the house witha big belt weight lifters wore with the buckle end and the prong got stuck in my brothers elbow! My dad then grabbed all my brothers things and loaded them up in his truck and told my brother to get in. He took him to our grandparents house and threw all his things out in their front yard and told my brother we can't live together anymore because if we do one of us is going to die! My brother was 15! I volunteered to move in with my grandparents when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer to help her out. Luckily my dad said okay. It was supposed to be temporary but I knew the day I left I wasn't going back. One time when my dad was angry with me over some deodorant that had crumbled and some had gotten smeared into my bedroom carpet before school,he beat me and made me stay home and clean house. Another time he was angry with me over I can't remember what,I took off running down the driveway because I knew he wouldn't want the neighbors see him chase after me. I stayed gone all evening and lucky for me he was in a better mood when I came back.My dad always made my brother and me eat breakfast before school. It was one way he was being a good parent or so he thought. He would wait until 5 minutes before we had to leave for the bus and sit us at the table with these giant bowls of Wheaties! He would make us finish ALL of it before letting us leave the house. We had 5 minutes!!!!! Many times my brother and I would puke on our way to the bus stop! Or dad would sometimes make these big thick pancakes as big a dinner plates and we would have to clean our plate and drink all our milk before leaving. We had 5 minutes!!!!!! Oh and we didn't get milk from a jug. No! We had to drink powdered milk!!!! Why? It was cheaper!!!!!!If we wanted sweets we got peanut butter with pancake syrup mixed on a plate,or tea with sugar in it.That was our sweets in our house.When we went trick or treating,dad would eat our candy and say,"I have to make sure it's safe!"He would give us some of our candy when he wanted to.Once when I was little me,my dad and brother were out in the garage. I was playing jump rope and the next thing I knew the lights were out and my dad was holding the garage door open telling me to come on but i was scared to move because it was so dark in there. He waited briefly for me and then just as i ran out he let go and the door came down right on my head! That was all my fault though. My dad always told my brother and me we would never amount to anything and that we were followers not leaders.Sometimes I think my parents shouldn't have had kids at all. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 2:24 PM |
Mini mouse----I am so happy for you!! It truly makes my heart rejoice when someone receives good things. Keep up the good work even if you feel you are doing nothing at all. Just being you counts alot. Lizzi is right---patience does pay off. It's funny, when our children are younger we are able to push them to become motivated but once they get older and develop their own personalities, we just have to learn how not to push so hard. It's hard to do because as mothers, we are trying to train them. Sometimes, we just don't know when to ease up a bit. Although, I'm speaking from my own experience. I never really thought about this but young teenagers are in the beginning stages of their own individuality, trying to find themselves, who they are and what kind of person they want to be. As a mother hen, I do try to ease up a bit but at times, I slip. I only want what's best for them.
You are right in what you said regarding our past experiences is what makes us, who we are today. I try to look at them as learning experiences of what to do or not to do with my life and in raising my children. Sometimes it's difficult to prevent the past from haunting me. My self-esteem has been cut so low which makes some days difficult to not just give up. But, when I speak with encouraging people like you, Lizzi, Texas-mom and others it helps me to stay focused. I want to say THANKYOU VERY MUCH to all of you. Your encouraging thoughts give me the little boost I need. I just hope that anything I do say is never offending to you because I certainly would never mean to do such. When I speak about my past experiences, they don't bother me like they use to but it helps me to talk about them so I can accept them. Talking about them was something I would never do. I always kept things bottled up inside which made me a very puzzling person to be around. I would always try put on a happy face and pretend that nothing bothered me. I didn't want people to figure me out. That's a big sign of not being true to myself. Now, I can look back and say I survived. Sure, at the time they were difficult to deal with but I was able to get through it. Plus, I look at it as I was able to get through it so I should be able to conquer anything else that comes my way. Again, thanks to everything for listening and responding back. I appreciate all of your commets. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 2:31 PM |
| But I love my parents dearly does that make since to you? I love them more than myself and would do anything for them. ↑ |
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